January 23, 2008

[cheap] Beer Lad's Dating Misadventures

Hey there internets. So as Suz said I’m going to be calling myself the [cheap] Beer Lad and this is going to be my little column detailing the dating side of gastronomics, ya know since Suzy is all blissful and whatnot these days. While Beer Lad ain’t exactly the most manly of monikers, it fits with the theme of the site I s’pose…though I’d really like to work an umlaut in there to butch it up a bit.

As was previously mentioned, I've known Suzy since we were but pups sent into the wild, or freshman year of college…whatever works for you. In that time she has: impressed me with her ability to talk a blue streak about anything, wowed me with her inexhaustible energy and tried very hard to convert me from my philistinism in the areas of food and drink. She’s had some success, pushing me to switch from Amstel Light to Delerium Tremens, but I s’pose that will be another fun aspect of my dating travails, trying to drink some crazy Belgian triple Suzy suggested while trying to remain somewhat charming and sober.

I'm not very good at taking compliments, so I'm going to defer the whole "pretty talented writer" bit for a moment (I don't want to ruin it for you, but this post wraps up with a list...does anything scream "hack" more than a list? I think not)

Now, back to the important stuff…me. My very brief and dull story is this: got out of a long-term relationship about seven months ago (we’re still pretty good friends) and finally took the plunge into the dating “scene” about a month or two ago. I should also state that I was in this relationship since college. So I’m utterly clueless how to date like an adult. It was all so much easier to recover from a keg stand, tell a girl she was cute and start making out…oh those halcyon days…sigh.

Anyhoo, so here I am floundering about as a single guy. I decided to do the online thing, on a whim a few weeks ago because I may be a bit socially awkward and asking a girl out at Barnes and Noble is just not my idea of a good time. I’ve gotta tell ya, though, if you’re a somewhat normal, somewhat decent looking guy in Philly who’s looking to date, you’d have to be mildly retarded to not sign up for one of these. The ratio of cute girls to guys is about 100 to 1 in my best estimation.

Thus far I’ve been on three dates, with one girl. That seems to have fizzled, a fact that has been blogged about somewhat truthfully, though with a bit of stinging hyperbole, elsewhere. I would post a link, but it might seem a bit stalkery that I even know about it (honestly stumbled upon it via some completely innocent facebooking). So I’ve gone ahead and scheduled myself three dates, one on Thursday, one on Saturday and one Sunday. Details to follow.

I’ll end my first column with some tips for any doods out there who are thinking about taking the online plunge…these are based largely on my own success and others’ miserable failures:

  1. Don’t be creepy. Obtuse, I know, but seriously, don’t be creepy.
  2. Don’t say you’re funny. If you think you’re funny, just try to make your profile kinda funny.
  3. Don’t try too hard to seem overly impressive, girls can see right through this shit.
  4. Don’t write a fucking novel on your profile. Keep it simple, chances are you’re gonna exchange a few emails before you meet up, you’re gonna need something to talk about.
  5. Don’t ask for a face-to-face in the first email. Screams creepy.
  6. Make fun of internet dating, but not the point where she’ll feel insecure about doing it too.
  7. Don’t post a glamour shots photo. Post something that shows you having fun or a sense of humor. And don’t post just the most amazing pics of you ever. I’ve heard horror stories of people showing up looking nothing like their pics. Also, post recent pics.
  8. No shirtless pics. Seriously. Don’t do it...unless you're man seeking man, then all bets are off and shirtlessness is probably encouraged.
  9. No pics of you and your ex, or you and your ex’s shoulder. You’ve gotta know at least one person with some photoshop skills.
  10. Poems are never a good idea. Ever.

and that's it. My first entry. My email address for this little adventure is cheap.beerlad [at] gmail.com (that's a period between "cheap" and "beerlad"). If you've got any suggestions for cheap dates, want to share your horror stories, or just make fun of me, shoot me an email or leave it in the comments.

Yes the pic is me. I'm still not sure how transparent I want to be about this whole thing, maybe I'll make the blue dot like an advent calendar...taking away a pixel as the desperation grows. Kidding, I'm not desperate....yet.


  1. i looove dating horror stories and find this to be a great addition to s's already awesome blog. but now i'm trying to figure out if i've met you before...hmm. anyway, we should exchange fumbling advice sometime bc i am/was in a similar situation.

  2. unfortunately i don't have my own horror story yet. both girls i've been out with have been very cute, smart, funny, sweet girls.

    though, i did get a very poorly worded email from a sexy lady in camden the other night, i should respond...for the sake of the blog, of course.

    my fumbling is practically on a professional level. for instance, when i completely bombed out on the introduction last night...i'll write more about that later.

    pretty sure we've never met, but yes, we should start a dating support group.